Documenting self-discovery
This has been a long-needed time of renewal. Of reconnecting. Of self-discovery. This unplanned and unintended series of self-portraits (each a different size) takes you from my lowest place to a better space.
Disconnect (2021). 91cm x 76.5cm. Acrylics and oils on canvas.
Disconnect began in August 2021 and remained, unfinished, on the easel in my Melbourne studio through successive lockdowns. This self-portrait began with a colourful palette and finished up with blue layers reflecting a darker mood as time wore on and social connections broke down.
When I was finally able to return to my studio, I'd lost a close friendship. Through the end of 2021, I felt like I was drowning in the sudden loss of social support. I was unsure of who I was, struggling in the depths of hard emotions, and I couldn’t see a way through. All I could do was go further inward.
The acrylic underpainting has been overlaid with oil glazes in blue and green, and the self-portrait has been drawn with oil sticks, trailing off with a disconnected thread.
Out from Under (2022). 12” x 16”. Acrylics and oils on canvas.
That was the beginning of my lowest point. Once I moved through that loss, I recognised that I’d lost myself completely. Out from Under captures the start of an awakening. Difficult truths were coming to the fore. I could no longer avoid my own emotions, and I couldn’t avoid others' either, like I’d learned to do. Negative cycles; unproductive patterns; the undesirable results. I had to get out. Get it out. Get the thoughts out. I had to find my self out. This was the beginning of months of challenging emotional work.
Inner Child Rising (2022). 102cm x 76cm. Acrylics and oils on canvas.
The truth was that I’d abandoned myself long ago. I was always afraid to stand up for what I needed, afraid of conflict, and afraid of making my voice heard. I was shut down. Inner Child Rising is the little girl taking on a more solid form. The silhouette of reds and oranges is the heat of anger. She’s angry about carrying the responsibility for the emotions of others when her own had been avoided for so long. She doesn’t want that baggage anymore.
Self-portrait (2022). 12” x 12”. Graphite and acrylics on canvas.
Self-portrait, from June 2022, presents a more confident demeanour, but still with more layers to peel back. There is a feeling of increased calm from being by the coast and out in nature. Hope in the yellow sunshine.