Zoidberg

I feel silly posting this having just lamented 18 months TTC. However, I am pleased to say I got a positive this morning.

I did have spotting through the week but it amounted to nothing more and my temps came back up. It was only on Friday that I computed the possibilty I may actually be pregnant. Saturday morning I tested with a cheap test form the internet. There was the feintest of feint lines that I thought might have been making it up. So i shelved it and decided to buy a digital test from the supermarket when I was in at work yesterday. This morning I tested again. ‘Pregnant’.

Murphy was at his best this time. I’d just paid a fortune for a digital Ovulation tester from ebay which I didn’t get to use, I bought an enormous bottle of evening primrose oil, as yet unopened, and Matt had some new expensive supplement. I won’t be cancelling the fertility clinic just yet.
It goes to show that the “go and take a holiday” assvice is a whole lot of B.S.

Even if this doesn’t stick I’ll be glad something different happened. Does that sound mean?

I feel like running around snapping my claws like Dr Zoidberg. Henceforth, this clump of cells shall be called Zoidberg. According to online calendars I will be due early June.

3 cheers for weekends away

gerringong

Our weekend away for Mum’s birthday was great. We stayed in one of these houses on the hill at Gerringong which was really comfortable and in a great spot right at the shops. There was a playground across the road which Fraser enjoyed. We went to lunch at a winery only a few minutes drive away. Beautiful views, salt and pepper squid, wine.
Dinner was at a local restaurant in walking distance. Fraser played hard and refused to have a nap so he naturally fell asleep on Matt’s lap at the dinner table. He woke up in time to have birthday cake so was wired until 11pm!

Sunday we went out to Berry and had a look around, drove to Nowra Hill to check out a relo’s new house (they weren’t home), and then came back to the house for fish and chips and a nap.
I found it to be quite an energising weekend away.

So glad I took part in the soft cheese, alcohol and smoked salmon.

AF came today so I’m pleased I didn’t deny myself the luxuries for the ‘what ifs’.
This marks 18 months. I try to tell myself that the odds are getting better that something is bound to happen soon. Surely!? It’s getting harder to handle the closer I get to seeing some of these babies being born around me. Please God/dess! Aren’t you listening?!?

A couple of months to go until the fertility specialist. Bring it on.

Fowl fatality

Well we’re getting to the pointy end of the year when things get busy and weekends get booked up. Fraser got his first invitation to a birthday party from a girl at daycare. It’s for next Sunday but we’ll be on the south coast spending the weekend with Mum for her birthday. Into the mix I now have to consider working one weekend a month. Though, fortunately, it’s only for about 2-3 hours each day from home.
We need to try and fit in some more visits to Yolande – the chiro/herbal lady that we hooked up with through family. Matt and I had our first visit last week. She focussed on working the knots out of my neck and back, and massaging the tension out for both of us. SHe found that I have a dropped pelvis on my left side which probably causes me to put extra pressure on that side when I walk etc. I have some stretching exercises and we both need to get out a few times a week to go for long walks to relieve the mental stress. Maybe when daylight saving starts I can go for some walks alone in the evening when Fraser has gone to bed. She tells me that the nervous system is connected to everything and therefore may impact on fertility.. i.e. when there are blockages in the nervous sytem then your fertility might be up the creek. Make sense, I suppose. Anyway, with all this activity over the coming months our specialist appointment will be here before we know it.

Fraser was a good boy last weekend. He spent a few hours with his ‘Ganma’ and ‘Ganpa’ while we had our backs attended to. I came home with my new domestic help – Dyson.. Thanks Mr 40-months-interest-free! He sucks real good.

Unfortunately, we also got home to one dead chook. :(
No idea of the cause. SHe was just on the floor of the chook pen, dead under the pellet feeder. I’m glad I didn’t get around to giving them names. Fraser was inside the house at the time we found her, luckily and hasn’t noticed there is one less chook.

New diary entries

Here’s a separate post re the TTC efforts. There has been a significant development. After sitting on the referral for a couple of weeks I have finally made the call. The earliest appointment for the gyno is 4th Dec(!). So I emailed the Canberra clinic of Sydney IVF and asked them if they had anything sooner than this doctor. They emailed back to explain that it is a requirement that I see this particular doctor who will then hook me up with SIVF depending on the prescribed treatment. However, due to us travelling from GOulburn it was advised that I make an appointment with SIVF for the same day otherwise there would be further waiting. I called back straight away and made a tentative booking with them for the afternoon, after I’ve seen the gyno.
At this point I have no idea what happens at a first appointment. Will I just be instructed to do more tests and come back later? Will we be offered IUI straight up?

I’m glad to mark a date in the diary even though it’s so long away. I nearly cried after making the appointments. A sadness that we’d come to that point? Probably. However, we have a plan for the interim. Continue with our vitamins and OPK use, both of us will start seeing a naturopath again. We’ve had a family friend contact come out of the woodwork. The next few months is springtime so I should get more heavily involved with the gardening.

We may still end up not needing the specialist after all. Here’s hoping.

Outstanding

I’ll get the TTC update out of the way. I went to the medical centre last Thursday to go over test results. All normal. The doctor said that *does* mean we have good odds even though we’ve been trying for so long already. I got some more education on cycles (pfft!) and recommendations of timing and technique. Won’t go into *that* detail. However, I do now have that longed-for referral to a gyn in Canberra. I haven’t made any calls as I’m still holding out hope that I won’t need to.

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Moving on to the weekend – which was outstanding!
Fraser spent the weekend with cousin Savy, Aunty jane and Unky Shan. He had a spectacular time. They went to the park, played with each other, napped. Fraser slept through til nearly 6am when he called out for mummy. Aunty Jane went in and he got into bed with her for another couple of hours.

Meanwhile we kicked up our heels and had a great old time. We took a secret hotel deal from Lastminute.com.au which ended up being the Rydges Jamison near Wynyard. 2 free movie tix were included so we went to see Footy Legends. Not a bad flick. Plenty of funny bits and some sad bits. Then we returned for a swim in the hotel pool, dinner at Lowenbrau in the Rocks, a walk down to circular quay, copenhagen ice cream and back to the hotel for a cocktail. Asleep by 10pm we had a glorious 8 hours of uninterrupted zzz’s.

bridge

We awoke to a fresh copy of the Sunday paper and a buffet breakfast, followed by shopping at the Rocks markets and in the city.

Checkout the view from our room.

bridge

The stuff that dreams are made of.

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Here’s my latest scrapbook effort. It was part of a scrap swap I took part in on EB. Someone randomly chosen sent me a pack of up to $20 value, and I did the same for some other random person. We all submit layouts we come up with.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Talking to your fertility challenged friends/loved ones 101

Sorry about the plethora of whiney TTC posts. I can’t stand them myself, so this will be the last one for a while. I think I’ll just do updates of the situation where possible from now on.

I’ve been hanging with other ‘infertiles’ on some forums lately and find it strangely comforting in a ‘club’ sort of way. One thread really expressed so much that has been in my heart and head over recent weeks. It was just so timely that I decided to post excerpts below. I’m not directing this to any particular people. It’s purely out there as a beautifully articulate expression of emotion that there’s no way I could ever say anything to match it.

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Things that are nice to hear

1. If I’ve told you that I’m having trouble getting pregnant, please ask how it’s going, in a low-key way, from time to time. Just a “What’s new on the baby front” kind of sentence is great. If I don’t feel like responding, don’t push it. But it helps me to know that people are thinking about me and want to know how things are going.

2. Ask me how I’m holding up. This is an even more important question. There’s never any news on the baby front, and even if by some miracle I did manage to get pregnant, I probably wouldn’t tell you about it for three months. But how I’m doing emotionally… it does me so much good to talk about that, and hardly anyone thinks to ask. You’d be a true friend to ask.

Do tell me you think about me, and that you’re pulling for me, or even that you’re praying for me.

3. If such an email or comment sparks me to talk, just listen and be supportive of whatever I’m in the mood to talk about. Don’t be surprised if what I say changes drastically from day to day; that’s what my moods are doing, so my conversation topics probably follow suit.

Things not to say

1. Just relax and it will happen. (Uh, listen, if it didn’t happen when I had a very lean work schedule for 2 years, and it didn’t happen when we took a beach vacation in Jamaica at exactly the right time after my surgery, stress is not a factor. Believe me.)

2. Try to enjoy the process. (Believe me, taking my temperature and peeing on sticks every morning to figure out exactly where I am in my cycle, then having day after day of timed sex in the middle of the week when we’re tired from work and aren’t in the mood, isn’t exactly the same thing as having spontaneous romantic sex. And after, hmm, xx months or so of this not working, it starts to get difficult to even find the motivation to do it all.)

3. My co-worker’s brother’s friend did x and it worked for them. (Chances are, I already tried that, and it didn’t work for me, so thanks for making me feel even worse. This is a tricky one, though, because earlier in this process, I was glad to hear these kinds of things, because it gave me hope that it might work for me, too.)

4. Did you hear that (our mutual friend; your ex-boyfriend’s wife; the koala bear at the zoo; whoever) is pregnant or had their baby? (If I did, and I wanted to talk about it, don’t you think I would have brought it up? If I didn’t, thanks for ruining my week.)

5. Everything happens for a reason. (What reason could there possibly be for going through something this atrocious?)

6. Don’t hold me to any declarations that I’ve made previously. I’ve been anti-IVF up until this point, but now I’m desperate, and I’ve changed my mind. Just accept that. Please don’t try to debate with me about it.

7. Don’t make any judgements on how I’m choosing to handle this. Maybe it’s not what you would do, but you don’t really know that until you’ve been through it. Everyone has to get through it in the best possible way for them.

8. Maybe you’re missing the boat. I’ve got 2 years or so of charting experience. I think I’ve figured it out by now, thanks.

9. “Yeah, I know exactly how you feel. It took 4/5/6/7/8 months to concieve [baby].”

10. Don’t tell me you know everything is going to work out unless you are a psychic or have an inside line to God, because you DON’T know, and your groundless confidence feels dismissive and hollow of the reality I’m living.

If you need to break the news to me that you are pregnant

Try to preface your announcement with “I know this might be kinda hard for you” or “I hope this happens to you too really soon”. Don’t just pretend I’ve never discussed my issues with you.
Understand that, regardless of what my reaction might be, I am very happy for you, especially if you’re a person I care about. Just sad for myself.
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Weekend away

Last weekend we went to the Blue Mountains with a couple of mothers group families. Had a pretty good time. Went for a couple of walks and had a nice lunch at the Imperial Hotel in Mt Victoria. Fraser and Noah were fascinated with the pool table. Fortunately it had free games switched on so the kids spent ages just putting balls down the pockets and pressing the button to let them out again.

** Sidenote. One couple announced their second pregnancy. Funny..it’s exactly the same place we were at with another mothers group couple 12 months ago when she announced her pregnancy. Tough way to mark the passage of time.

Great Day, Crap Day

We were having a bit of a boring morning today. Not wanting a repeat of yesterday’s extremely boring day we decided to drive to Canberra and go see Cockington Green. It’s a village with little houses and little people, small trains and a steam train that you can have rides on. Fraser LOVED all the trains. It would be good to go there again in Spring when the roses and what-not are out.
Had a great time on our little family outing.

Came home and a phone call with Matt’s cousin L. She announced she’s pregnant again, due in Jan. Well this huge wave of bitterness knocked me right over. I wasn’t expecting that feeling again. I thought I’d reached a preliminary acceptance of where our family seems to be going. HOwever, I wasn’t expecting that announcement either. Anyway.. nothing personal. People are just going ahead and living their lives but as a reminder of how shit ain’t working for us, it’s so frustrating. So, for now, I’ll accept and revel in my bitterness for another day or two then try and kiss it goodbye.

I had kind of decided to call it all quits next birthday if no pregnancy happens before then. I think there’ll be alot more examination in the meantime. Perhaps that would be too premature.
I must admit this has given me a huge kick in the ass. I’ve realised just how much I want to go through birth again and having a newborn. I also want to have another kid in the 4th bedroom! WHy on earth have such a big house for 3 people? Anyway, I’m wallowing within a post and I hate that as a reader. It just reads like abig old whinge so I should shut up.

I will come back later to post a piccy from our day out today.

no title this time :P

Not a whole lot of news from the last week. I did my fortnightly shop last saturday which was quite successful. I expect I should be able to keep that up. On Sunday we had mothers group friends Matt, natasha and their little boy Noah come for a visit on their way back from Canberra. That was great to see them again and inspired me to pull my finger out and do this scrapbook layout that has been on my mind for a while.

friends LO

I’m working on Fraser’s 2nd birthday LO too.

Fraser’s been ill the last couple of weeks. He’s had a cough and cold for a while but this last week has had the runs so we kept him home from daycare today. He stayed home with Matt. Fortunately, Matt was still able to do about a half day’s work and hopefully he’ll recover over the weekend.

Tomorrow night we have a birthday dinner in town (i.e. Goulburn for those people that think ‘town’ means Sydney) to go to and that’s about it. More lounging over the weekend, I hope. Possibly even landscaping vege patches or something. W00p!

Oh yes. I forgot to mention the blood results. All normal. Of course. Pfft.