I’m the sort of person who is very much in her head. The past year has been about learning how to not do so much of that. Reconnecting to the body and recognising how emotions manifest as physical sensations.

Negative emotion has always been something I avoided. Shouting was scary to me and I lacked experience of people sharing vulnerabilities, and going through conflict and repair. In our society young girls and women are often criticised for showing anger. So I spent half my life in a relationship where I feared anger and criticism, and repressed my own, even when it was appropriate and needed. In becoming small, I betrayed myself, and that grew into resentment. And, in numbing the bad, I also numbed the good.

All emotions had become abstract to me

For this series of work I wanted to throw my whole body into it. I hung unstretched canvases side by side on the wall and felt my way around. I threw paint at the wall and I spread out on the floor. I called the emotions of the past year back to my mind and body. I painted in pairs to explore the contradictions in myself and in my relationship. When they dried, I stretched them myself

Self-reflection is the greens and blues in my own eyes. It’s the act of truly seeing your behaviours and beliefs in the mirror and objectively coming to grips with the good and the mistakes.

Self-delusion is the rose-coloured glasses. All the things we want to believe about ourselves but they’re not really true, and if someone were to scratch the surface you’d see it, too.

Self-betrayal is the hiding in the shadows, the heat of frustration and repressed anger, and a love that’s frozen over from self-neglect. I’ve betrayed myself many times over.

Self-love is what lies underneath all that pain. It’s what’s there when you scrape away the layers of dirt and dust to find the sparkling masterpiece within. It’s the real you; it’s blossoming hope; a new day; Spring again.

The distance between an Avoidant and a Limerent is a gulf. One wants space and autonomy, the other wants to be enmeshed, consumed by longing for what seems dazzling. In their fight for survival, each destroys the other.

All 6 artworks are acrylics on stretched canvas, 50cm x 80cm, and currently unframed.

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