It’s my party and i’ll cry if I want to..

I am feeling very emotional tonight. Not helped by the movie I just watched, I’m sure… Japanese Story. As I was about to go to bed I tucked Fraser’s legs back into his blanket and then started crying. I haven’t felt it all week but I guess this must be my separation anxiety. It’s a mixture of sadness, anger, and strangely, loneliness. Obviously, I’m bitterly sad about not spending the days with my son anymore. No sooner than I get home, it’s time for him to go to bed. I’m angry with those responsible for Matt arriving at this place and I’m angry that the company is STILL “about to go gangbusters”. Fast forward the calendar please, so I’m put out of my misery one way or another! There’s nothing more frustrating than this damn limbo after all these years. As for loneliness, that’s foreign to me. Matt is out for the night and the baby has been asleep since before 7pm. I’d usually be revelling in the ‘me’ time. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been at work all week away from my family when I’ve become used to having Matt around all the time. It feels as though I’m grieving my change of circumstances all over again. The 7 stages of grief, or whatever, all in one night.
It takes hours for me to get to sleep of a night because I’m no longer relaxing into the physical exhaustion of solely caring for Fraser. I don’t like that I’m not around to supervise his dietary intake. I don’t like that I’ll rarely get to see my mother’s group friends.
I’m sad and grumpy and I should try to get to sleep before Matt gets home so that I’m not awake for even more hours.

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Aprill Allen

Collector of my own bad drafts & excellent one-liners. Current painting student; Three-time B-Arts dropout.

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